Hitting bottom

There will be those times when I hit bottom. It works out alright in the end though. I can look up and see the rungs of the ladder I was on. I say to myself "Yes that rung way up there about half way up. I dust off my backside and start climbing again. Thankful for friends who know when to be there and when I need to get up on my own. It makes me angry sometimes. Yet I know I have to stand on my own two feet. No leaning and being a drama queen. I read about my conversion disorder lastnight online. I read that with all my complications it may be years before I heal. I read 82% of adults have to quit work due to their symptoms. Well I'm looking to be the % that makes it. I had to come to grips AGAIN that the traumas that brought me to this point took a life time to become what they are. It may take the rest of my life time to heal. I get to feeling tired of the fight and at times have wanted to give up. Then I look up that ladder and reach for what can be mine if I just keep reaching. No matter what else life throws my way there is always up.

Going threw Hell

Fantasy vs reality making room for a better reality

I sit here thinking. I so want to reach out. I keep wondering if it is fantasy or real that I wish to reach for. I wrap myself in fantasy because the real is so painful. I ask myself can the fantsy come true? Oh some of them can and some I must let go of. Letting go is painful yet it eases and makes me stronger as I accept some fantsies don't come true. I walk taller knowing I am overcoming what is lost to me. Accepting that I made mistakes that can never be undone. I still cry and mourn what is lost. I push it back a little farther each day and try to gently release and accept what will never be. I look forward to new fantasies and hope one day they may become reality. I know they won't become reality until I am ready for them to become so. It helps to look forward and grab little pieces of hope replacing those pieces with the ones that  I am releasing.. I call them fantasies because a part of me is hoping I am not just dreamming. That the fantasies will come true and be beautiful. Yet frightened because so many fantasies turned out to be just that, fantasy. I am a new me now and the old me didn't know what to look for. The new me hopes it does know now what to look for. It helps knowing that I can make it through the pain and accept the reality. Sometimes I just have to cry and let go. Look at what has been right in front of me all along and not wanting to see it. Fantasizing that things will change. Knowing I can change things as I release and let others in. I have to sweep out the closet to make room for new things keeping the lessons I learned from the old and letting those lessons improve the future. There is always hope even when it comes in a way I thought it shouldn't or hoped it wouldn't. Above all learn accept and release the things that I can not change making room for the best things to come whatever they may be.