Where I am now and a little of what got me here.

I have a disorder called conversion disorder plus PTSD and Tourette Syndrome which comes with ADD and OCD and major depression. The conversion disorder is what causes the pseudo seizures. It is mybodies way of releasing the events that caused the PTSD. All the events that I have held in since childhood decided they aren't staying pushed down hence a psuedo seizure. They are not real seizures because there is no impulses in the brain as say an epileptic seizure. I can get very stubborn during an episode. Ok more stubborn than usual people who have been around me when I have them know to just keep an eye on me and talk to me. Getting me distracted. getting me to laugh. At times I go into flight mode about 1/2 way through and depending on the severity of the episode how much I will try to get away. I usually go off when I know ems has been called and all but panic when I hear the sirens. Again my reaction depends on how severe the episode is. They are getting easier to handle and much less frequent as I go through therapy and my meds get adjusted.



Last March when I had my first BIG seizure
 I thought it was a bad Tourette attack. After a few days in the hospital with many tests etc. I was diagnosed with the conversion disorder. I tried for a few weeks to continue to work. I was having to many seizures with the seizures coming in waves off and on all day. I finally took 5 weeks of. Many days were spent home alone crawling around the house. I could not stand or walk without falling. Sometimes I would clear up for a while and those times were used to rush around and do errands. Before another set of pseudo seizures would hit. I nicknamed my siezures as to what part of my body was affected. The ab crunch were hardest. I thought "sheesh I should be ripped by now!"



Then were the memories. My mind would flood as I would recall the many abuses and feel them happening again. As a child there was the man across the street and a family member. Then my severly abusive in every way imaginable first husband. Second husband was very contoling and the 3rd very emotionally abusive. These memories caused more pseudo seizures, anxiety attacks and panic attacks. Nothing like running around the apartment screaming to fall on the floor thrashing around and drooling.



I think the hardest times are when friends would tell me to "Just get over it." There is no just getting over mental illness. Believe me if I could I would. I didn't get this way in a few years. It took a life time. It may take the rest of my lifetime to become completely healed. Telling me you want to Bitch Slap me for ending up in the hospital also doesn't help. Try telling me you are glad I'm still around and getting better.



Don't judge a person with mental illness. Chances are unless you have been through it you have little idea what really has happened to bring a person to the bottom of the ladder. I have climbed the ladder several times. It gets slippery and I slide down a few rungs. But as long as I keep looking up I will continue to heal.