Hitting bottom

There will be those times when I hit bottom. It works out alright in the end though. I can look up and see the rungs of the ladder I was on. I say to myself "Yes that rung way up there about half way up. I dust off my backside and start climbing again. Thankful for friends who know when to be there and when I need to get up on my own. It makes me angry sometimes. Yet I know I have to stand on my own two feet. No leaning and being a drama queen. I read about my conversion disorder lastnight online. I read that with all my complications it may be years before I heal. I read 82% of adults have to quit work due to their symptoms. Well I'm looking to be the % that makes it. I had to come to grips AGAIN that the traumas that brought me to this point took a life time to become what they are. It may take the rest of my life time to heal. I get to feeling tired of the fight and at times have wanted to give up. Then I look up that ladder and reach for what can be mine if I just keep reaching. No matter what else life throws my way there is always up.

Going threw Hell

Fantasy vs reality making room for a better reality

I sit here thinking. I so want to reach out. I keep wondering if it is fantasy or real that I wish to reach for. I wrap myself in fantasy because the real is so painful. I ask myself can the fantsy come true? Oh some of them can and some I must let go of. Letting go is painful yet it eases and makes me stronger as I accept some fantsies don't come true. I walk taller knowing I am overcoming what is lost to me. Accepting that I made mistakes that can never be undone. I still cry and mourn what is lost. I push it back a little farther each day and try to gently release and accept what will never be. I look forward to new fantasies and hope one day they may become reality. I know they won't become reality until I am ready for them to become so. It helps to look forward and grab little pieces of hope replacing those pieces with the ones that  I am releasing.. I call them fantasies because a part of me is hoping I am not just dreamming. That the fantasies will come true and be beautiful. Yet frightened because so many fantasies turned out to be just that, fantasy. I am a new me now and the old me didn't know what to look for. The new me hopes it does know now what to look for. It helps knowing that I can make it through the pain and accept the reality. Sometimes I just have to cry and let go. Look at what has been right in front of me all along and not wanting to see it. Fantasizing that things will change. Knowing I can change things as I release and let others in. I have to sweep out the closet to make room for new things keeping the lessons I learned from the old and letting those lessons improve the future. There is always hope even when it comes in a way I thought it shouldn't or hoped it wouldn't. Above all learn accept and release the things that I can not change making room for the best things to come whatever they may be.

Cleaning out the attic..... Estate

What the day will hold no one knows. Be it happy be it tough be is rough and sad. It might just be happy and bright no rain in sight. Little quakes come and go wax and wane. Some I understand some I don't. I must be strong. Appear to the outside world that all is well no quakes here. Bits and pieces drip and drop. Smoke curls overhead. Time to pull back the curtain and sweep out the cobwebs. Another empty room needs cleaned and filled. What will fill this one? I see it as I write letting in the light. I open the window and let the fresh air in. The dust swirls and I wave my hand. Oh to be able to clean so easily. The words trickle through my mind some stopping to go on paper others wisp away like smoke. There are periods of stillness where no words come. Then more come and grow. Will they fill the new room? Or are they in themselves the mop the broom the dust cloth? There is something in this room covered by a burgundy blanket? Rope ties the blanket on. It is tall and wide. It is near the window. The blanket is thick and very protective. I don't know what is under the blanket. Should I unwrap it and see what it is? It blocks part of the light from the window. The suns square on the floor is lopsided. I push it over so the square is just right on the floor. I send words cascading around it wrapping around and around. What will the words do? So far nothing they have no affect on the bundle. Hmmm I think about why I am hesitant to just pull back the blanket. This is my room. This is my bundle. Are the planets aligned correctly to remove the blanket? Do they need to be. Were they aligned so that I saw the room the blanket the bundle just so I can stare at them? That would seem wrong. I look inside myself at why I stop. I am in part afraid I won't be able to see what is under the blanket. When I move the blanket I fear it will be blurry and I will be unable to know what the thing is. A spot in my mind tickles that that will be OK if I don't know. It doesn't mean I have failed. It means I have more to learn to see it correctly. No shame in not knowing. Only shame in not trying and doing. The room is cleaner the sun brighter. The dust and cobwebs are gone. The wooden floor shines now in the sunlight. The sun is no longer just a spot on the floor. The sun fills the room it is bright and beautiful. I think less about the bundle. I think about the room. It is traditional. Not a contemporary room. Should my rooms be contemporary now for the new contemporary woman I am becoming? Oh the joy in redecorating the whole place. Not just a room but an entire estate of Linda. I have worked this estate for years now. I get happy chill bumps. Yes I will improve this estate!!!! YES YES YES!!!!! I see a whole picture not just a room. I step back and think. I think of MY Estate of Linda. It is mine to do with as I see is needed! I decorate it as I see I want it. This part of the universe is MINE.

She suvived I survived

She suvived I survived. I have to let her go though. I can't take her under my wing. My wings are still just down. I can hop from place to place. I can stand at the edge of the field and catch people. I can't change how they got so close to the cliff. I just climbed up that Cliff. My hands are still scarred and scratched. Scabs are healing. Yet new enough still to fall off and bleed fresh when I catch someone. I look down at my body and see the scars and the cuts. I feel the blood fresh and new. I smile and am thankful I can feel the pain for it means I am still alive. No new cuts or scrapes. I don't dwell on what caused them. I am happy I did not knock off more scabs. I am happy I did not go over the cliff again as I caught someone. I hope I don't have any more coming close for a long time.

During the "Healing Time"

During the healing time can be very frustrating. I know I won't always be in the hardest parts of healing. I know I will get better. It can be a confussing time though. It is almost more of a "well enough" time. Because I know the chemical imbalances in my brain will always be there. Yet I went into crisis. I spent time in the hospital. I got my diagnosis. I try to live one day at a time sometimes 5 minutes at a time. There is the face I put on for public view and the faces I wear at home alone in the light and in the dark. There are times when I think I am healed enough to do something just to find out KABOOM thump thump thump down a rung or 2 of the ladder. I dust off shake it off and start climbing again. I get scared thinking "Am I ever going to be able to do thus and such again?" Then I take a step back and look at how far I have come. I look at how much stronger I am now than I was before. It took a life time to get to where my disorders have lead me. It took a life time of taking abuse and humiliation to get where I am now. I had to learn that I could stand up to my abusers. I didn't have to just "TAKE" what was being dished out. I didn't have to give away my self worth and pride in myself to conform and make those around me happy by being the point of all their jokes or  sick humaliting and at time physically abusive fantasies and I can say "NO".  So to you out there reading this for a boost of encouragement. I say keep going!!! even if you know you will always be at some point at odds with yourself (the docs can't heal our chemical imbalances just give us tools and meds to deal with them.) Still grab your ladder hang on and take the rungs higher!!! We can do it!!! We are never alone.

Rivers of life

I was listening to and looking at the lyrics to Billy Joel's River of dreams. Then I wrote my own version about the Rivers of life. The words to his song is below. It makes mine make more sense if you don't know the words read his lyrics first.

Wooo hooo you gotta just jump in and swim it. Cross that wide river and grab the lost parts from the jungle on the opposite shore. Don't stay in the valley you will never make it to the river or to the other side. It isn't the promised land. It is "a land". You cross that land to another river. Don't hesitate just jump in and head for the next shore. Keep swimming and finding what you lost and moving on to the next river dive in and repeat. You find the good in the valleys jungles and deserts. You leave stuff in the river as it washes you and you come up for air. You keep kicking and swimming, searching and finding. Then you move on and jump in the next river. Each crossing gets easier until you get it down. Then you come to a wider river with a stronger current. You wade in this time learning some caution about just jumping in from getting your but kicked by previous rivers. You kick and swim, sometimes you feel like you will drown. So you kick harder. You make the opposite shore and keep on moving. You walk across the land and you get tired. You come to another river and you stop a moment, you take a breath and you dive in praying you have the strength to make it. Then you discover that you are stronger too. Not just the current is stronger but you are stronger. The river throws a few rapids in and you kick through them and bob up on the other shore. Sometimes you get out there in the middle and you don't know if you can make it. You don't know if you have the strength to kick. You think about just giving in. That is when you look around and see you are not alone. You give a few more kicks and you reach an angel that helps you to the next shore. You climb out and keep on going.



Copyright Linda Crowfoot 2008


In the middle of the night

I go walking in my sleep

From the mountains of faith

To the river so deep

I must be lookin' for something

Something sacred I lost

But the river is wide

And it's too hard to cross

even though I know the river is wide

I walk down every evening and stand on the shore

I try to cross to the opposite side

So I can finally find what I've been looking for

In the middle of the night

I go walking in my sleep

Through the valley of fear

To a river so deep

I've been searching for something

Taken out of my soul

Something I'd never lose

Something somebody stole

I don't know why I go walking at night

But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore

I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life

Until I find what it is I've been looking for

(Two beat Pause)

In the middle of the night

I go walking in my sleep

Through the jungle of doubt

To the river so deep

I know I'm searching for something

Something so undefined

That it can only be seen

By the eyes of the blind

In the middle of the night (break)



I'm not sure about a life after this

God knows I've never been a spiritual man

Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river

That is runnin' to the promised land (Long Five beat Pause)



In the middle of the night

I go walking in my sleep

Through the desert of truth

To the river so deep

We all end in the ocean

We all start in the streams

We're all carried along

By the river of dreams

In the middle of the night

Where I am now 2

Now I am back to work and doing well. I am redecorating my apt. I have always been traditional. Now look out I'm contemporary and my colors are Brown and Green. I have lived on my own for 1 year now. I've learned to make friends and put together my first few pieces of furniture. Things I never thought I could do.
 I've learned that numbing myself on alcohol doesn't work. Crying helps as does other creative outlets. I bought the camera of my dreams and have watched myself change for the better through the pictures I take. I took a year off and refused to date. I needed to get to know me and what I am about. I see others jump from relationship to relationship. I've done that too. I am a strong believer in taking time off and finding out what one really wants from life. What one values for themself and what to look for in a relationship. I'm not looking for a Mr. Right. Now I know what a Mr. Wrong is though. I raised my standards and what I will and won't allow. I did a lot of wrong in the past. One should never "need" someone else. One should compliment the other. Being strong and independent is what I strive for. I know now I am strong and will be stronger yet. I don't have to have someone to lean on. My dearest friends have had to show tough love on that score and make me stand on my own two feet. I love them more for it. Will I fall down the ladder again. Perhaps. Now I know I can climb back up.